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May Cause Explosion of the Optical Orbs and/or Accute Death— An Emotorial By Kristen March 13, 2006

Posted by rissa in Kristen's Editorials!.
1 comment so far

James speaking here. The following is the first in what I feel will be a delightful series of editorals by Kristen-o-saurus Rex. Don your hard hats boys and girls, this first one is about emo kids.

It came onto me so fast. It was like a speeding train coming at me while I was stark naked in the cold of night. It was finally all adding up…The change of makeup, the change of hair, the change of attitude and music and font usage on AIM. Pink on black? What the hell?

That’s when I was hit.

That’s when it all came together.

That’s when I realized I was in fact…An emo kid.

Just weeks earlier I had been sitting in a classroom with some of my good friends while they made jokes about girl pants and scene girls. I laughed along nervously, for I had been guilty of a couple of those pictures in the past. They laughed and laughed, made cutting motions on their wrists, and I died a little inside.

I entered the Cafeteria during D lunch and sat next to another good friend of mine. She looked at me and said “Holy Hell, Kristen. With that makeup, you look so emo!” I must say that I was shocked. Green, white, and black? Emo? Absurd! This silly girl was pulling my leg, trying to drag me into some lameass conformity. Well, I was certainly not going to have that so I went to the bathroom

to escape the torment. I shook off these feelings as nothing but doubts. I would get over them. I wasn’t a conformist.

But sadly enough, I indeed was. For later that night as I lied in my bed I couldn’t sleep. Her words haunted me. Of course, she only said I looked like one, but still….One wonders.

So I kept on truckin’ through the week, when I came to Thursday and found myself with a new haircut, long sideburns and a sort of pixie at the top, and my new Quickie Chronicles: Sex Kitten palette by Two Faced, complete with violet shades and a bright green that I’m still debating whether or not it glows in the dark, and my prized Durkl shirt.

I stared in the mirror. Long, and hard. Insert metaphorical phrase about a train and nakedness, and POW.

Now I can officially say this in front of the entire world, with my head held up high.

Hello, World. My name is Kristen, and I am Emo to the Maxxx.

(more…)

Introducing, live from Timbuktu…! March 11, 2006

Posted by James in Self Indulgent Nonsense.
1 comment so far

Creating a world-famous news blog is quite the daunting task, indeed. One man cannot possibly do it alone! (Insert your own Chuck Norris joke here, loser. I have things to do. Cool things.) But I digress…Over the next few weeks, months and perhaps even years (if our alien overlords allow it), I will begin to take on various contributors to the fruit salad that is “The Spork Report”. The first, and certainly not the least of which, of these contributors is a good and witty friend of mine by the Name of Kristen. “Sistah” Kristen shall wax extensively on all matters editorial, and lo, it shall be wonderful. Say “Hi” to everyone, Kristen: kristen

Please note that Kristen is not actually from Timbuktu, but rather Lybia or “Parts Unkown”.

But enough about the Netherlands (multiple entendre!), now is a good time to introduce myself as well. And so, in a plot twist reminiscent of a poorly crafted M. Night Shamylan script, the mastermind reveals himself:

Note here that while James will probably not mug you, he has been known to bite and speak fake Dutch.me.

Yar har har, wasn’t that fun? Oh my, we had some good times back there; meeting folks, knifing fools. Yes, good times indeed, but that is all in the past now, baby. Back to brass tax: Upcoming Events, new things in general, et cetera:

  • Kristen’s first editorial, which is all typed up and ready to be posted for your viewing pleasure, will be available for ogling sometime this weekend along with…
  • A fun yet disturbing inspirational poster and maybe, just maybe, if you clap your hands and believe…
  • An independent “film” review!

That’s all for now minions. AWAY! *cackling laughter*

Happy Gnadenhütten Massacre Day! March 8, 2006

Posted by James in Insane Ramblings.
3 comments

Ah yes, March 8th, 2006: The perfect day to celebrate the 224th anniversary of the brutal murder of 96 unarmed, non-combatant, Native American Christian converts (wait, it gets worse) by Pennsylvanian militiamen during the Revolutionary War…

“…the Christian Munsees were killed as they knelt, their skulls crushed with a mallet. In all, 28 men, 29 women, and 39 children were murdered and then scalped. The corpses were then heaped into the mission buildings, and the town was burned to the ground. The other abandoned Moravian towns were then burned as well. Two boys, one of whom had been scalped, survived to tell of the massacre.”

More on that here.

However, it’s also a fine day to start a blog. A “news”, “technology” and “whatever pops into my (‘my’ being me, and me being James) head” blog.

That being said, what is on the coming agenda? Well, definitely fun things, inspirational posters of some sort, possibly some dark humor, and hell, who knows, maybe even a few insane ramblings. These may or may not be about penguins and/or movies from the early 1980’s.

More at 11.

James.